Week 35: Eastern Promises

I’ve been complaining for a long time that nobody makes a good thriller anymore. And while I wouldn’t exactly categorize Eastern Promises as a thriller, it’s in the ballpark, and it’s surprisingly good. To be honest, I had NO IDEA what this movie was about. I had some vague idea it was another drab movie about demure Japanese people trapped in emotionless relationships. Was I confusing this with the Painted Veil? Perhaps. The point is that I was completely misinformed.

Turns out that Easter Promises is about a maternity nurse (Naomi Watts) who gets mixed up with the Russian mafia when she begins to investigate the death of a 14-year-old girl who delivered a baby in her hospital ward. Watts is perhaps underutilized but it doesn't really matter because Viggo Mortensen (insert dreamy sigh here) is the real star of the film, playing the driver for the mafia boss who becomes entangled with Watts as she pursues the girl’s rapist. I won’t spoil the twists and turns involving Viggo’s character, but there are a few whoppers and I didn’t see them coming (how I love to be surprised).

David Cronenberg directs (he and Viggo worked together on a History of Violence) and the vibe between the two movies is much the same. There is a lot of gruesome violence, some of which feels unnecessary. And, oh yes, you might have heard that there is a Viggo full-frontal nudity scene as well. It’s uh…interesting. He happens to be naked while he’s getting the shit kicked out of him in a bath house, so it’s not exactly “good naked" (insert disappointed sigh here).

We thought this was a very enjoyable movie. Good intrigue. Great acting. Almost thrilling. I almost love it.

Week 23: Naomi Watts Extravaganza Film Fiesta Part 2: Mulholland Drive

I’m just going to go ahead and say it. I figured out the plot to Mulholland Drive and therefore, I am prepared to graciously accept my Nobel Prize Award. I would prefer if you could have Al Gore deliver it to me. We will hang out all day and go to the Gap where we will probably run into Bono and he’ll nag us until we buy one of those crappy ‘RED’ t-shirts. We’ll do it just to appease him, but we’ll never wear them! Don’t tell. We’ll laugh about it when Al Gore and I are discussing who got kicked off Project Runway.

Also, we will keep bringing up how we are BOTH Nobel Award winners.

If you haven’t watched Mulholland Drive, you should. It’s not as freaky as most David Lynch movies. It actually has a plot…albeit the most complicated plot in the history of movies. But it's really good. AND I FIGURED IT OUT!!!! BOW IN THE SHADOW OF MY GREATNESS!!!

Ready to learn what most undoubtedly inferior non-Nobel brains couldn’t figure out? Here goes:

• The last 20 minutes or so of the movie is ‘real’. Betty wasn’t real. She is Diane’s alter-ego.
• Diane (Naomi Watts) really did have an affair with Camilla, then Camilla dumped her cruelly and broke her heart.
• Diane was so upset that she had Camilla murdered. However, in the three weeks that followed while she stayed locked in the apartment to avoid the FBI, she went batshit crazy and so she invented this whole Betty persona to deal with her guilt over killing the woman she loved.
• While in her crazy state, she imagined herself as Betty, the woman she always wished she could be. Popular, charming, sunny and the hero rescuing her beloved Camilla.
• I think the blue box represented the reality of what she’d done. When Rita and Betty found the key to the box, I took it as reality resurfacing in Diane’s troubled mind, forcing her to shoot herself.

There, done. Brilliant. Al Gore, I will await your arrival.

Oh, yes, I almost forgot about you, Naomi Watts. After all, this is your Extravaganza Film Fiesta. And you really earned the accolade in this role. Unlike The Painted Veil in which you were entirely forgettable, you shined in Mulholland Drive. The scene in which you play Betty auditioning for a role is truly transcendent. I literally found myself holding my breath. Well done, Watts.

Perhaps if you are not too busy, you can join me, Al Gore and Bono for lunch this Saturday. We’ll probably make Tipper cook for us and just to irk her, we’ll play an N.W.A. album while she refills our cocktails. Zing, Tipper!

Week 23: Naomi Watts Extravaganza Film Fiesta Part 1: The Painted Veil

[reader: through some cosmic coincidence, we have two movies in our queue back-to-back starring Naomi Watts. We are therefore honoring her with the first ever Naomi Watts Extravaganza Film Fiesta, beginning with the Painted Veil and ending with Mulholland Drive. Plan your parties accordingly.]

The Painted Veil (based on the W. Somerset Maugham story) is one of those movies that snuck in and out of the theaters without a lot of fanfare. And rightly so. It’s the story of a marriage being lost and found in the middle of a cholera epidemic. The filming and settings in mainland China are lovely. But I have a feeling that a year from now, I won’t be able to remember any of the details. I’ll be saying to myself, “I think it was set in Taiwan and was about the black plague. No, no…that’s not right. It was definitely Japan and everyone had polio…”

For this first part of our Naomi Watts Extravaganza Film Fiesta, we found ourselves thinking it was weird that she resembles Nicole Kidman so much in this film, even though they look nothing alike in real life. When that’s the most interesting part of the movie, you know you’re in for trouble.

I wish I had more to say on the subject, but like I said, there’s nothing very remarkable about the film. Edward Norton has a terribly nasal rendition of a British accent and Naomi Watts spends a lot of time being indignant. In summary, our Naomi Watts Extravaganza Film Fiesta has started off with a blah instead of a bang. This is turning out to be just as successful as our Kevin Spacey Spectacular of 2002.