Thursday, November 29, 2007

Week 25: Apocalypto

Too bad Mel Gibson is such a dick...because this movie is REALLY, REALLY good. No, I'm being serious. It's incredible.

Here we were, all prepared to hate this movie. Completely ready to lambaste it. Excited for the chance to throw stones at the ol' Hebrew Hatin' Gibson...but the movie didn't suck. In fact, it's pretty excellent. Dare I say, fairly astounding. I was on the edge of my seat.

It's a great story. Compelling plot. Beautiful filming. I can't believe I'm saying this, but well done, Sugar Tits.

This must really burn the jews up.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Week 24: Batman Begins

First, I must admit a hard truth here. Somewhere in my awkward early teen years, I developed a deep and unwavering love of the 1989 version of Batman starring Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson. So much so that to this day I can still quote the movie line-for-line. It is sad, but true. Give me enough to drink at a party (mama likey de vodka) and I'll perform it for you. I even know all the lyrics to that crappy Prince soundtrack for the movie. I like bats...Vicky Vale, Vicky Vale...

And as much as that tells you about my social life and cool-factor in high school, it should also tell you that I practically beat down the doors of the theater to watch Batman Begins. Or as it shall forever be known as henceforth: THE MOST PERFECT SUPERHERO MOVIE EVER.
The reasons why I love this movie are many. Let us count the ways.
  • It's not campy. It's not funny. It's just dark and moody. And it's perfect. Simply the best re-telling of a story we all know in a way that made it completely fresh and exciting.
  • It officially moves Christian Bale off my "creepy" list, in spite of the fact that he still has little muskrat teeth. See my review of The Prestige for confirmation. I have never been a Bale fan. He gives me the willies. I'm sorry....GAVE me the willies. Now that I see he is the perfect Batman, I have flip-flopped my stance on Bale faster than a republican candidate looking for a nomination.
  • Katie Holmes. You get to spend a lot of time considering her as unspoiled in this movie (that is: not scientologized yet).
  • Cool toys: this movie has by far the best bat toys of any movie. You only have to watch one scene with the Batmobile to get my meaning.
  • Christopher Nolan directed it. If he directed me out of my driveway each morning, it would probably win an Oscar. Everything this man touches turns to cool. I bet he is a real bummer to hang out with, but man, this guy can make a movie.

In short, although I know it makes me a total geek and possibly a teenaged boy, I LOVE BATMAN BEGINS. And I am eagerly awaiting the sequel. Mr. Nolan, get on that, would ya? Don't worry if Tom Cruise won't let Katie --er-- Kate, play. We won't miss her.

Week 24: Deadwood Season 1, Final Disc

An Open Letter to the Writers of Deadwood:

Dear Writers:
I must commend you on creating an utterly compelling storyline for this first season of Deadwood. I loved it. The characters are rich and layered; the plots are intriguing; the whole premise is fantastic. The Queue household are avid fans and we eagerly await Season 2.

However...I'm just going to go ahead and say it: I don't think anyone in the wild west ever really used the term Fucknut. You had me at cocksucker. You lost me at fucknut. And for the record, if someone in Season 2 refers to another character as a Fo Shnizzle Wizzle, I'm going to stop watching.

Best,
The Motley Queue

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Week 23: Naomi Watts Extravaganza Film Fiesta Part 2: Mulholland Drive

I’m just going to go ahead and say it. I figured out the plot to Mulholland Drive and therefore, I am prepared to graciously accept my Nobel Prize Award. I would prefer if you could have Al Gore deliver it to me. We will hang out all day and go to the Gap where we will probably run into Bono and he’ll nag us until we buy one of those crappy ‘RED’ t-shirts. We’ll do it just to appease him, but we’ll never wear them! Don’t tell. We’ll laugh about it when Al Gore and I are discussing who got kicked off Project Runway.

Also, we will keep bringing up how we are BOTH Nobel Award winners.

If you haven’t watched Mulholland Drive, you should. It’s not as freaky as most David Lynch movies. It actually has a plot…albeit the most complicated plot in the history of movies. But it's really good. AND I FIGURED IT OUT!!!! BOW IN THE SHADOW OF MY GREATNESS!!!

Ready to learn what most undoubtedly inferior non-Nobel brains couldn’t figure out? Here goes:

  • The last 20 minutes or so of the movie is ‘real’. Betty wasn’t real. She is Diane’s alter-ego.
  • Diane (Naomi Watts) really did have an affair with Camilla, then Camilla dumped her cruelly and broke her heart.
  • Diane was so upset that she had Camilla murdered. However, in the three weeks that followed while she stayed locked in the apartment to avoid the FBI, she went batshit crazy and so she invented this whole Betty persona to deal with her guilt over killing the woman she loved.
  • While in her crazy state, she imagined herself as Betty, the woman she always wished she could be. Popular, charming, sunny and the hero rescuing her beloved Camilla.
  • I think the blue box represented the reality of what she’d done. When Rita and Betty found the key to the box, I took it as reality resurfacing in Diane’s troubled mind, forcing her to shoot herself.

There, done. Brilliant. Al Gore, I will await your arrival.

Oh, yes, I almost forgot about you, Naomi Watts. After all, this is your Extravaganza Film Fiesta. And you really earned the accolade in this role. Unlike The Painted Veil in which you were entirely forgettable, you shined in Mulholland Drive. The scene in which you play Betty auditioning for a role is truly transcendent. I literally found myself holding my breath. Well done, Watts.

Perhaps if you are not too busy, you can join me, Al Gore and Bono for lunch this Saturday. We’ll probably make Tipper cook for us and just to irk her, we’ll play an N.W.A. album while she refills our cocktails. Zing, Tipper!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Week 23: Naomi Watts Extravaganza Film Fiesta Part 1: The Painted Veil

[reader: through some cosmic coincidence, we have two movies in our queue back-to-back starring Naomi Watts. We are therefore honoring her with the first ever Naomi Watts Extravaganza Film Fiesta, beginning with the Painted Veil and ending with Mulholland Drive. Plan your parties accordingly.]

The Painted Veil (based on the W. Somerset Maugham story) is one of those movies that snuck in and out of the theaters without a lot of fanfare. And rightly so. It’s the story of a marriage being lost and found in the middle of a cholera epidemic. The filming and settings in mainland China are lovely. But I have a feeling that a year from now, I won’t be able to remember any of the details. I’ll be saying to myself, “I think it was set in Taiwan and was about the black plague. No, no…that’s not right. It was definitely Japan and everyone had polio…”

For this first part of our Naomi Watts Extravaganza Film Fiesta, we found ourselves thinking it was weird that she resembles Nicole Kidman so much in this film, even though they look nothing alike in real life. When that’s the most interesting part of the movie, you know you’re in for trouble.

I wish I had more to say on the subject, but like I said, there’s nothing very remarkable about the film. Edward Norton has a terribly nasal rendition of a British accent and Naomi Watts spends a lot of time being indignant. In summary, our Naomi Watts Extravaganza Film Fiesta has started off with a blah instead of a bang. This is turning out to be just as successful as our Kevin Spacey Spectacular of 2002.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Week 22: Six Feet Under, Final Season, The End

Well, well, well. Six Feet Under is finally behind me. And I'm feeling kind of ..."so what" about it. Sorry Alan Ball, but it's true. I'm underwhelmed. And I didn't think you'd let me feel that way.

Perhaps if I'd watched this season spaced out over several months rather than cramming an entire thing into just a few days (thus plunging myself into the murky depths of non-stop depression and melancholy), I'd have more perspective about it.

But as it stands right now, I think I need a B12 shot and several hours under a sun lamp to bring me back to the land of the living and the not-so-perennially-freaking-depressed.

Maybe my disappointment with the ending of this series has to do with the fact that none of the characters really seemed to overcome themselves. Ruth continues to be the saddest of sad sacks. Claire continues to be a flake. Brenda continues to be pensive and jaded. Billy didn't even go totally wack-0 at the end, which I was really counting on. I won't spoil what happens to Nate but suffice it to say nothing really changed there either.

At the very end of the last show, Alan Ball shows us how each character eventually dies. And while this was a clever way to wrap up the show and was very much in keeping with the themes of Six Feet Under, I couldn't get past the terrible geriatric make-up jobs on all the actors. David in particular looked like he was trying out for the next Eddie Murphy Clumps movie. With all the advances in special effects, Hollywood still can't make a young person look old without resembling Giminy Glick.

If I'd been charged with writing the ending for Six Feet Under, I can guarantee you it would involve Billy charging into the funeral home with a loaded gun to murder every member of the Fisher family. Then he would strip naked and use Brenda's lipstick to draw a carrot on his chest while he watched The Price is Right. Then he would sprinkle glitter on all the dead bodies before sitting down to have a peanut butter and toilet paper sandwich.

Now that's how to end a show, Alan Ball.
(PS: Alan, I'm available to write for you if you want to hire me. No hard feelings, k?)

Monday, November 12, 2007

Tales from the Land of Teething Babies

Sorry for the lack of posts, readers (using the plural makes me feel like I have literally THOUSANDS of readers out there. A girl can dream, can't she?)

Anyway, a teething baby and an out-of-town wedding have conspired against us and so we're a little behind on our movie-watching. Hoping to finally finish the end of Six Feet Under today/tomorrow and we'll have lots to dish about.

Crazy Billy has been absent the past few episodes and that most likely means he's been busy constructing a bomb shelter filled with weapons-grade plutonium, four-dozen hand-crocheted potholders and a box of live kittens. One can only hope.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Week 22: Six Feet Under, Final Season, First Half

Want to write happy things….but so depressed...can’t muster strength…Six Feet Under final season…killing all joy in world…must fight urge to take own life…or wear sweatpants all day…and devour entire bag of Oreos…while wondering why in the hell…this show is such a downer.

Seriously, Alan Ball, we need to have words. Don’t you ever just want to reach out and pet a kitten? Or wear orange? Or watch reruns of the Golden Girls and laugh at all the jokes even though they’re not funny? BECAUSE I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Your characters and their self-destructive tendencies are making me mental.

David: if you sleep with one more random sex partner while you’re supposedly committed to that hot dish Keith, I’m going to mess up the part in your hair. And I know that will freak you out.

Claire: there is a reason everyone calls him Crazy Billy, Claire. BECAUSE HE’S F-ING CRAZY! Stop sleeping with him! No one’s eyes should go in two different directions like that. It’s a sign, Claire! You moron. And be nicer to your mother. See below.

Nate: go eat an ice cream cone. I’m sick of you. You are the worst kind of depressing. Boring depressing.

Brenda: don’t even talk to me. You should be sleeping with your crazy brother Billy. AGAIN. You are crazy-meant-to-be.

Ruth: I looked up the word “dish rag” in the dictionary and I saw your picture there. It didn’t come as a surprise. However, I like it when you slap your bratty daughter. Do more of that.

Keith: you actually seem rather normal right now. Which I should be happy about but I’m just not. I like Angry Keith better than Whining About Having a Baby Keith. PS: David is cheating on you. AGAIN.

Rico: I find it amusing when you sex up the ladies, Rico. It’s like watching a dirty version of Lord of the Rings starring a spicy Latino Hobbit.

These characters have 3 more discs left in the final season to stop DEPRESSING THE HELL out of me. Do you think they can do it? Let’s find out…to be continued.

Week 22: Deadwood: Season 1, Disc 4

Honest to god, we tried counting how many times they say the word "cocksucker" in one episode on this Deadwood disc and we lost count after 9 cocksuckers within 9 minutes.

Awesome. Sorry...cocksucking awesome!

Most notable on this disc is a brief guest stint by Kristen Bell of TV's Veronica Mars. Is that show still on? Is she destined to be referred to as 'that girl from Veronica Mars' forever? Either way, I don't know why everyone thinks Ms. Bell is so great because I'm not that cocksucking impressed.

She's average-looking, has average acting skills and is vaguely memorable. But she gets a lot of buzz and has been cast in some plumb roles. Maybe audiences are just excited to see a young starlet who wears underwear, hasn't starred in a sex video, and doesn't make the cover of US Weekly every week. Also, she has never been impregnated by K-Fed. THAT WE KNOW OF. Be warned, Kristen Bell. Put your uterus on alert.

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