Why I Love the Golden Globes

Alec Baldwin looked surlier and drunker than ever, like at any moment he might bust off one of Angelina Jolie's skinny sticks and gnaw it like a Kodiak bear.

Colin Farrel. If a former Hollywood drug addict announces he "only has a cold" while he rubs his nose, he's definitely doing coke again. You heard it here first.

Rene Zellweger and that batshit crazy hairdo can only lead me to believe she was attacked by Sharon Stone on the way in.

No one had the guts to tell Tina Fey to fix her hair before she went on stage. Although, it was refreshing to see someone resembling a real human instead of a Botox-bot.

Because DVR let me fast-forward through Steven Spielberg's insufferable "I am the most important man who has ever walked the Earth including ol' what's-his-name you Christians are so keen on" speech.

Ditto Kate Winslet and her "I am so surprised that I wrote a 12-page speech" speech.

Rumer Willis as the "I'm never going to be A-list am I?" Miss Golden Globe. Man, she lost the genetic lottery between her parents in a major way.