Week 8: The Good German

[The scene opens on the terrace of a palazzo overlooking Lake Como, Italy. A handsome and well-known actor is lounging on a chaise while his manservant tends him.]

CLOONEY: Manservant, how is my hair today?

MANSERVANT: Very peppery, sir.

CLOONEY: And salty?

MANSERVANT: Awfully salty, sir. Were I a tender fillet of beef I should like to roll myself across your lush salt and pepper. I would taste most divine with your fine seasoning upon me.

CLOONEY: Thank you, Manservant. That helps but I'm still feeling a bit blue today. Open up another $17,000 bottle of wine, why don't you?

MANSERVANT: I already have one open, sir. Why are you so troubled, if I may ask?

CLOONEY: It's Pitt.

MANSERVANT: Vile scum licking at the heels of Master Clooney's boots.

CLOONEY: Thanks, Manservant. It's just that he stole the World's Sexiest Man title from me.

MANSERVANT: [GASP!] This cannot be true, sir. Here, let me wipe the sweat from your brow with this Google stock certificate.

CLOONEY: I've got to think of a way to best Pitt. Maybe I should go after Aniston. That would get him. Except she's kind of a whiner, isn't she?

MANSERVANT: Very much so. Begging your pardon, Master Clooney, but may I suggest perhaps making a new film? Something Pitt has never done before?

CLOONEY: Good idea, Manservant. But I'm so bored with films. I've done it all really. Romance. Comedy. Serious political intrigue. Political statements.

MANSERVANT: And you were on Roseanne.

CLOONEY: BITE YOUR TONGUE! I'm very angry now. Hand me that priceless Ming vase so I can smash it against the cliffs.

MANSERVANT: Better sir?

CLOONEY: Much. Now, where were we? Right, a film. Hey, I know. I'll do something in black and white. No one is doing black and white. That'll really get people talking.

MANSERVANT: Begging your pardon, Master, but Sin City was in black and white and was quite good.

CLOONEY: Balls. I don't care. I'm still doing black and white. I'll set it in Germany. Yes, Pitt's never done Germany. And maybe I'll cast a female lead Pitt's never worked with. She needs to be tall, thin and pale. Very waspy. Paltrow! I'll cast Paltrow!

MANSERVANT: Er---ahem, vile Pitt was engaged to Paltrow, sir. They were in a movie together, too.

CLOONEY: Damn you, Pitt! Curses! Manservant, hand me that stack of thousand-dollar bills so I can fling them into the ocean. There, that feels better. Eureka! I've got it. I'll do the Holocaust. I'm sure Pitt hasn't done Holocaust. Everyone loves the Holocaust. And there hasn't been a good film about it for decades. That's it!

MANSERVANT: Sir, if I may remind you sir, of Mr. Spielberg's film, Schindler's List? It was about the Holocaust. And it was in black and white.

CLOONEY: That piece of art-house crap? I'm sure no one remembers it. I'll make my story much more complex. Almost too complex. And I'll make it vague. And not very interesting. And it will bore people so much that they'll think they're just not smart enough to understand all the deep plot lines and innuendo. And just to really get Pitt's goat, I'll cast that drab little Tobey Maguire.

MANSERVANT: Gross.

CLOONEY: Gross, indeed. That's sure to win a nomination. And I'll get Soderberg to film it. He'll do anything for me.

MANSERVANT: Like Ocean's 13? Wink, wink.

CLOONEY: Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes, we got him good on that one, didn't we? Ah, Manservant, we've had some good times, haven't we? I think I'm ready for a swim, Manservant. Fire up the yacht.

MANSERVANT: The grand deluxe yacht or the super premium titanium yacht, sir?

CLOONEY: Whichever one is bigger than Pitt's.