Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Week 29: Superbad

An Open Letter to the Estate Managers of the Late Chris Penn:

Dear Sirs and Madams:
It has recently come to our attention that the late Chris Penn has indeed fathered a child. His name is Jonah Hill and he most recently starred in the comedic film, Superbad. It was a delightful movie, and Mr. Hill's (nee Penn's) performance was hilarious, although we still prefer his co-star, Michael Cera (better known as George Michael Bluth on our beloved Arrested Development.) Our point; however, is that Mr. Hill is most definitely the offspring of one Mr. Chris Penn, and DNA evidence is not needed to prove this claim. One only needs eyeballs.

Sirs and Madams, we know you are not aware of this child, but we at the Motley Queue feel it is our duty to inform you of his existence so that you may bequeath him his rightful possessions from the Chris Penn estate, which we presume to be the following:

1.) One (1) battered Lazy-Boy
2.) Assorted half-drunk bottles of whiskey, bourbon, gin, vodka, port, sherry, rum, beer, moonshine, cough syrup, antifreeze and Colt 45, too numerous to count
3.) Four (4) Gold's Gym membership cards, never used
4.) One (1) unfinished memoir entitled "My Brother Is Overrated and I Want a Pizza" by Chris Penn
5.) One (1) lifetime platinum membership card to the Stardreams Cathouse & Titty Palace, Hoboken, New Jersey
6.) Eight (8) Customer of the Year plaques from Dominoes Pizza
7.) One (1) rolodex labeled "doctors willing to prescribe me oxycontin"
8.) One (1) mint-condition collection of Precious Moments figurines

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.
Motley Queue

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