Week 35: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

I never planned on watching this new version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory because I AM STILL HAVING FLASHBACKS FROM THAT TRIPPY GENE WILDER VERSION. Are you with me? That was weird, right? The seventies were a strange time, man.

And I only needed to see Johnny Depp’s creepy make-up job in the trailer to the 2005 version to make me want to steer very, very clear of this film. But on the other hand, I adore Tim Burton, so I was torn. Alas, it was playing on TV the other night so we relented, but I’m back to feeling torn again. Let’s review:

Positive: Very limited use of hippie-trippy graphics, although the dragon boat was borderline stupid. And much of the CGI looked incredibly cheap and fake, which is not a positive, but here it is nonetheless.

Negative: Johnny Depp is gray. Why is he gray? We do not know. It is not explained. I did not care for it. Also, Helena Bonham Carter has fake teeth for no apparent reason. Again, I did not care for it.

Positive: Watching the finders discover their Golden Tickets was great fun.

Negative: We all know the story to this film and Burton didn’t press too hard to expand it in new ways or offer many surprises. Nor did he give us much dark humor that I just expect from a Burton film. All in all, I felt like he was just phoning this one in.

Positive: All the scenes with Charlie’s family were completely adorable and filled with the quirky kitsch that I love in a Burton film.

Negative: Most of the movie takes place in the factory and not with Charlie’s family. Also, did I mention that Johnny Depp was gray?

My final tally? I’m pretty disappointed that Tim Burton didn’t give us a Tim Burton film, although the entire fact that we didn’t have to watch any rainbow hippie graphics is nearly enough for me.

My apologies to all of you who love the 1971 version, but I hate it.

Week 35: Broken English

Here are two phrases on a movie jacket that virtually guarantee I’ll be renting it:

…a charming indie yarn…
…starring Parker Posey…

For the record, here are two phrases that virtually guarantee I’ll NEVER rent a movie:
…starring Vin Diesel…
…from the brilliant mind of Jerry Bruckheimer…

But I digress.

I love you, Parker Posey, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. True, I was on the fence after your wacky appearance on the season finale of Project Runway – the one in which your whole ensemble and coiffure could only be described as ‘batshit crazy.’ But then again, I remind myself, we have all had days where we woke up thinking that it would just be easier to pull on our grandma’s sunglasses and run our hair through the Kitchenaid mixer.

But I digress again.

Broken English is nearly a perfect Parker Posey vehicle. Playing a desperate, single thirty-something, we get to see Posey’s knack at portraying a woman both charming and repulsive, vulnerable and sharp-edged. And if you’re married and sometimes wax longingly at the memory of your fun single days, this movie will painfully remind you how achingly lonely singlehood could be.

Drea de Matteo stars as Posey’s best friend in the film and, well…what the hell happened to her face?! It appears that her three-pack-a-day habit has finally caught up with her…and run over her…and beat her in the face with a stick...then found a newer, sharper stick and beat her harder. Seriously…she is not looking well. In another couple of years she’s going to closely resemble one of those rawhide dog chews. Or George Hamilton, take your pick.

Dreary de Matteo aside, this movie was sweet and sad and exactly as promised: a charming indie yarn starring Parker Posey. Go rent it.

Week 34: Big Love Season 2, Disc 3

Dear Creators of Big Love,
I am very distressed that you have ignored my previous request to immediately end this series. I have learned through a third party that people STILL continue to be riveted by Big Love and that the series only keeps getting better into the second season.

Again, I very respectfully request that you stop airing this series. If you choose to air it in the future, I might suggest you wait until any time after November 4, which again, is just a meaningless date I picked out of a hat.

Also, please discontinue any discussion of p****amists, who again, cannot be verified to actually exist and are largely considered by many people to be just a fictional rumor.

Sincerely,
M. Romney

PS: John McCain has seven wives, three of whom are members of Al Qaeda.

Week 34: Sicko

Oh, Michael Moore. Stop bumming me out.

I can’t take it anymore. I really didn’t want to watch this movie. I knew it would make me feel, well --sick-- of our crappy healthcare system and the marionette control of our government by big insurance and big pharmaceuticals.

And no surprise, I was right. Sicko is both infuriating and depressing. The film does a nice job of illuminating how other countries take the stance of preventing illness and improving the health of its citizens while we're focused on denying treatment in lieu of making bigger profits for the healthcare industry. And even though I know Michael Moore painted a very one-sided, utopian view of socialized medicine, I still wish we had it.

So, alas, I am hereby declaring my intention of moving my family to France, where not only do you get excellent healthcare, but you also get a government worker to come watch your baby each week and do your laundry. For anyone with a baby in the house, this is a BIG, BIG deal. Who even cares about getting free medical care when you can get someone to do your laundry?
While I am living out the rest of my days in France, here are the things I will miss most about America:
10. Costco
9. Twizzlers
8. Making fun of SUV drivers
7. Dwight Yoakam
6. Constant updates on Britney Spears’ every move
5. Fad diets
4. Ohio’s immaculate roadside rest stops (if you haven’t peed in one of Ohio’s gloriously clean and plush roadside bathrooms, you haven’t really peed)
3. Fair/carnival food/anything fried, greasy and on a stick
2. Sweat pants
1. Getting to feel justifiably indignant over Michael Moore movies

Week 33: Waitress

Well here’s a cute little film…
…
…
…
...and that’s about all I can think to say about it. It’s really, really cute. Kind of bordering on cloying. And while it’s not quite an indie film, it’s not exactly mainstream either. I did adore Cheryl Hines as a post-modern Flo from Mel’s diner. Kiss my grits! When she told fellow waitress Dawn that, with make-up, her face looks just like a normal person’s, I cracked up.

On a bitter note, our Netflix disc was scratched within an inch of its life, meaning we had to skip two or three chapters along the way and we never actually got to see the end of the movie. I resorted to looking up the ending online, and it ended exactly how I would have guessed, so no great loss.

Week 33: Big Love Season 2, Disc 2

Is there anything better than an evil Mormon? If there is, I can’t think of it. At this point in Big Love Season Two, not only do we get some delightfully evil interplay between runaway child-bride, Rhonda, and her would-be husband, the 80-year-old prophet, Roman Grant, but there is also an entirely NEW evil Mormon cult leader! Jesus Christ, pun intended! These two rival polygamy cults are setting up to battle it out Bloods and Crips style. And I can’t wait for the bloodshed. Okay, so maybe there won’t be bloodshed, but we can at least expect a few long French braids to become disheveled.

Did I mention that Rhonda is the very face of evil? She is quickly becoming my favorite character on the series because she’s so sweetly conniving. You just can’t predict who she’s going to turn on next.

It also seems like half the town – including at least one police officer -- is now aware that Bill and his family are Polygamists hiding out in the suburbs. And yet, there is no fallout from this. Does that strike anyone else as strange? It seems like someone, perhaps the officer of the law, would be more inclined to make a bigger deal out of this. But then again, maybe that’s coming on the next disc.

All I know is that if Big Love continues on this brisk pace, it’s quickly going to be my official favorite show on TV right now. Sorry, The Office. I still love you, but the writer’s strike is making it very hard on our relationship. I also love this crappy show on TLC called “Say Yes to the Dress” but that is not exactly love, more like the show I drunk-dial on my DVR. But I digress…

Week 32: Big Love Season 2, Disc 1

Dear Creators of Big Love:
I respectfully request that you end this show immediately. I understand that this program is well-loved by many and that you have reportedly created a wonderful portrait of a Mormon man and his three wives trying to live a respectable, normal existence in a modern suburb.

However, I think I speak on behalf of the country at large when I ask you to cease immediately. Your portrayals are bringing much unwanted attention to – ahem – things that, well, just should not be brought to the attention of the voting public. Or any public, but the voting public is just one example that came to mind for no particular reason at all.

Perhaps you could consider putting the show on hiatus until, let’s say, any time after November 4, 2008. Just a meaningless date I pulled out of a hat. That being said, if the whole “Mormon thing” could just lie low until then, it would probably be best for everyone. The pulse of the country is definitely saying, “let’s put Mormons on the back burner. We do not want to hear about Mormons at all. Not one bit.”

I thank you kindly for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
M. Romney

PS: I’ve heard that Evangelicals have started drinking the blood of white Christian babies. Republican babies! Now THAT is an idea for a new show that would be perfect to air any time between now and November 4, 2008. And I’m giving this idea to you totally free of charge. You’re welcome.