Week 51: The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

It should have come as no surprise to me that the movie with the longest title in history might actually BE the longest movie in history. Alas, with a 2.5 hour plus running time, you'll probably be saying to yourself the same thing we did, "Hey, I already know from the title that Jesse James gets assassinated. So why are we dragging this out for 2.5 hours?"

The answer? Because actually, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford is a pretty good movie, even though you know how it ends (HE DIES!) and even though Casey Affleck is in it. I think the Academy Awards might have been a tad generous in giving Affleck a nomination for his role as Robert Ford, but then I am reminded that in 2007, his competition included such cinematic masterpieces as Wild Hogs and Norbit. I won't even provide a link to those titles because you do not need to fill your brain with anything more on those two turds.

Back to the movie: maybe I'm a sucker for outlaws and westerns, but I thought this was a surprisingly good story. It has great moments of tension and the build-up to the assassination is terrific. What feels really strange about this movie is the narration throughout, which is obviously dialogue from a book, not dialogue for a movie. It was weird and clunky. Also, the ending of the movie, post-assassination, drags out FOREVER. It felt very much like the seven or eight endings to the last Lord of the Rings movie, minus the homo-erotic hobbits. Which, let's be honest, would have really perked things up a bit.

Week 39: Gone Baby Gone

I have to stop judging movies by their titles. Because all along I believed Gone Baby Gone was Ben Affleck’s cinematic tribute to his hairline. Zing!

Sorry, I don’t know why I love to rip on Ben Affleck, but I just can’t help meself. But even I am gallant enough to admit when my horseheaded foe has pulled off a winner. Kudos to you…Secretariat.

The movie follows a private investigator (Ben Affleck’s little bro, Casey “Ponyhead” Affleck) as he unravels the complicated disappearance of a little girl in a working-class Boston neighborhood. The plot is fairly intricate and the turns and twists really kept us surprised. Just when you thought you know what happened to little Amanda, a new seam opened up and you had to examine a new cast of characters. Grant was correct in identifying that the movie had a resemblance to the same gritty/scary/raw feel of “Se7en”.

The best parts of Gone Baby Gone are handled by the supporting cast, particularly Amy Ryan playing the missing girl’s train wreck of a mother – a hardscrabble drug addict who might be more concerned about getting her next fix than getting her daughter back. Her callous disregard for her only daughter will make any suburban soccer mom absolutely shiver with horror. It was riveting.

My problems with the film? There are a couple:
1. I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND A GODDAMN WORD CASEY AFFLECK SAID. I’m all for using authentic Boston accents, but give me a break. I’ve never had to use my rewind button on the DVD remote so many times. It was nearly impossible to figure out who he was referring to in any given conversation. After more than an hour of “Rhemnybeaschuuond”, we finally figured out he was saying a person’s name: Remy Bressant, and not just describing an itchy rash on his left buttock.

2. Casey Affleck is not a leading man. I’m sorry. He did his best. His acting was just fine, but he simply lacks the presence to carry a film. And, yes, he has unfortunately inherited the Affleck family curse. The one in which your head outgrows the rest of your body at a staggering pace until you resemble one of those cartoon characters skating in the Ice Capades. Let’s all put our hands together, ladies and gentlemen, for the amazing Equine Duo, Ben and Casey Affleck!!!!! Neigh!!!