Man, Ben Affleck's ass must be really chapped about the success of the Bourne series. Just imagine him at the height of his popularity several years ago, stroking the hair plugs J. Lo made him get while he mused over the stacks of scripts studios were plying him with.
I could go Ocean's 11, he must have thought. Nah, Clooney and Pitt are all washed up. I could do this Bourne project. But no, that's probably going to be a bomb. I'll give it to Damon. That should be a laugh riot. Wait. What's this? Daredevil? A script about a blind superhero no one has ever heard of and probably will never care about? This is gold! Theatric gold! J. Lo, put on your mink eyelashes and tell me that you love me. When you're wearing your mink eyelashes, they hide the lies.
Lucky for audiences everywhere, Affleck took Daredevil and Damon took Bourne. And the world is a better place for it. I know this rekindles the deep fear that I am secretly a twelve-year-old boy, but I have to admit I love this series. Love it, love it, love it. It's thrilling, suspenseful and the action sequences are great. Especially since director Paul Greengrass took over the franchise in the Bourne Supremacy and introduced us to the handheld camera action sequence. It's a little dizzying at times, but it's so damn fun to watch, who cares? We were off on vacation today and it's too hot to do anything outside so we rushed off to the theater to see the final installment of the series.
The Bourne Ultimatum doesn't break any new ground but it's filled with the edge-of-your-seat action sequences we've come to expect. I have to admit that there are times in Ultimatum when Matt Damon is banged up so badly you have to question whether or not he has super-human abilities to recover from injuries. I once crashed a car in college and had minor whiplash, which I complained about at length for an entire week. Every time I took a sip of water I winced and re-told the story of my crash to anyone who would listen. I'm not proud of it, but it's true.
By my count, Jason Bourne endured four massive car crashes, including one car heaved over the edge of a multi-story car lot, landing upside down, and yet he still scampered away each time as though he'd just had a run-in with a pesky mosquito.
I'll admit that I never would have pegged Matt Damon to be an action hero, but you've got to give him his due in the Bourne series. He really did a good job. And I just watched him promoting the movie on The Daily Show and damned if he wasn't likable to boot.
Somewhere in Massachusetts sits a man with an incredibly large forehead and an old set of hair plugs, plotting his revenge on the success of the Bourne series. He's stroking the withering remnants of a pair of false eyelashes while he reads the script that he believes will redeem him: Daredevil 2: Still Blind and Rather Uninteresting.
Showing posts with label Matt Damon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Matt Damon. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
Week 5: Syriana
Syriana…so…boring…must…stay…awake. George Clooney…why? What is point…of gaining 35 pounds…and growing beard…and looking so depressed…when could have just…hired Paul Giamatti…instead. Boredom growing stronger…must fight it…
Seriously, if I can say one good thing about this movie, it’s that at least we didn’t have to endure four weeks of George Clooney jetting around the world bragging to entertainment reporters about what a fabulous time he, Matt Damon and Brad Pitt have and the hilarious practical jokes they play on one another. Here’s how I imagine most of their interactions go:
[The scene opens on a yacht on Lake Como where three well-known men are sunning themselves on the deck while drinking priceless champagne and toweling themselves off with Microsoft stock certificates]
BRAD : “Oh, George, you are such a card.”
GEORGE [innocently]: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
MATT: “What’d he do this time, Brad? And pass me that five-gallon tub of caviar.”
BRAD: “He put an ugly person in my cabin!”
MATT: “No!”
BRAD: “Yes, he did! And he was poor too!”
MATT: “HA, HA, HA. GEORGE, YOU ARE HILARIOUS!”
GEORGE: “You’re right. I AM hilarious. Let’s go throw thousand-dollar bills at the ugly person.”
BRAD: “I can’t wait to tell Mary Hart about this one…”
MATT: “I already texted her!”
Seriously, if I can say one good thing about this movie, it’s that at least we didn’t have to endure four weeks of George Clooney jetting around the world bragging to entertainment reporters about what a fabulous time he, Matt Damon and Brad Pitt have and the hilarious practical jokes they play on one another. Here’s how I imagine most of their interactions go:
[The scene opens on a yacht on Lake Como where three well-known men are sunning themselves on the deck while drinking priceless champagne and toweling themselves off with Microsoft stock certificates]
BRAD : “Oh, George, you are such a card.”
GEORGE [innocently]: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
MATT: “What’d he do this time, Brad? And pass me that five-gallon tub of caviar.”
BRAD: “He put an ugly person in my cabin!”
MATT: “No!”
BRAD: “Yes, he did! And he was poor too!”
MATT: “HA, HA, HA. GEORGE, YOU ARE HILARIOUS!”
GEORGE: “You’re right. I AM hilarious. Let’s go throw thousand-dollar bills at the ugly person.”
BRAD: “I can’t wait to tell Mary Hart about this one…”
MATT: “I already texted her!”
Monday, June 25, 2007
Week 1: The Good Shepherd
Is it just me, or has anyone else had it up to hear with Angelina Jolie? I get it that she's spookily sensual and eerily compelling, but I'm way past the point of being able to believe her in any role. She's so overexposed that I can no longer separate the "my hot husband and I are saving the world" Angeline Jolie from the "I'm a serious actress" one.
I just find her distracting in her performances now. And in the Good Shepherd, it's no different. The movie is moving along swimmingly until she shows up in her demure dress and let's-get-it-on lipstick and the movie is ruined. Well, not ruined exactly, but diverted. While I'm on the subject of weird distractions in this movie, there is no way anyone could believe that Matt Damon has a grown son in the movie. When said grown son makes an appearance more than half-way through, Grant, my husband, literally spit out his wine. I mean, seriously? I bet Matt Damon still gets carded when he tries to buy beer at the Circle K. He looks YOUNG. You're not fooling anybody here, Matty.
Anyway, back to the movie. We both liked this movie, although we had to watch it over three nights because it is so damn long. It tells the story of the creation of the CIA and manages to make it look oddly boring, but in a compelling way, which is tough to accomplish. It's full of double-crossing spies, girls with hearing impairments, and men who are good at their jobs but bad at their lives. Matt Damon is really good at playing a tortured, conflicted man. I love the line where Joe Pesci tells him that Italians have their families, blacks have their music and jews have their traditions before asking Matt Damons what he (a Waspy-Wasp) has. Matt Damon's response is "We have the United States." Ouch. I found myself agreeing with him, although I think the Waspy control of the United States that seems cooly evil in this movie has long since been relegated to the bible-beating evangelicals and their nascar compatriots.
In the end, we were kind of disappointed by this movie because it felt like it was on the verge of being great but settled for being pretty good. We kept expecting a larger, more dramatic plot to unfold but we could pretty much see everything coming a mile away. Maybe we should work for the CIA.
I say rent it but be prepared to roll your eyes at the Angelina Jolie parts.
Grant says Angelina Jolie is hot. Big surprise.
I just find her distracting in her performances now. And in the Good Shepherd, it's no different. The movie is moving along swimmingly until she shows up in her demure dress and let's-get-it-on lipstick and the movie is ruined. Well, not ruined exactly, but diverted. While I'm on the subject of weird distractions in this movie, there is no way anyone could believe that Matt Damon has a grown son in the movie. When said grown son makes an appearance more than half-way through, Grant, my husband, literally spit out his wine. I mean, seriously? I bet Matt Damon still gets carded when he tries to buy beer at the Circle K. He looks YOUNG. You're not fooling anybody here, Matty.
Anyway, back to the movie. We both liked this movie, although we had to watch it over three nights because it is so damn long. It tells the story of the creation of the CIA and manages to make it look oddly boring, but in a compelling way, which is tough to accomplish. It's full of double-crossing spies, girls with hearing impairments, and men who are good at their jobs but bad at their lives. Matt Damon is really good at playing a tortured, conflicted man. I love the line where Joe Pesci tells him that Italians have their families, blacks have their music and jews have their traditions before asking Matt Damons what he (a Waspy-Wasp) has. Matt Damon's response is "We have the United States." Ouch. I found myself agreeing with him, although I think the Waspy control of the United States that seems cooly evil in this movie has long since been relegated to the bible-beating evangelicals and their nascar compatriots.
In the end, we were kind of disappointed by this movie because it felt like it was on the verge of being great but settled for being pretty good. We kept expecting a larger, more dramatic plot to unfold but we could pretty much see everything coming a mile away. Maybe we should work for the CIA.
I say rent it but be prepared to roll your eyes at the Angelina Jolie parts.
Grant says Angelina Jolie is hot. Big surprise.
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