Bonus Film: The Professional

How on earth am I the only person who never saw this movie?

I think maybe I was always turned off by everyone going gaga over Natalie Portman's performance when she was all of twelve years old. I think it's because when I was twelve I was busy schlepping manure out of the barn and picking my pimples while the ingenue Portman jetted between her apartments in New York and L.A. It put a sour taste in my mouth for you, Portman. But I'm over it now. For the most part.

Anyway, my coworker Clinton loaned me his copy of The Professional and we watched it last night in lieu of the dreadful second disc of Black Books that I wrote about earlier this week.

If you're a citizen of this planet, you probably already know The Professional is about a skilled assassin who is forced to take in a young girl after her family is gunned down. Jean Reno plays the charmingly tortured assassin, Portman plays the girl and Gary Oldman plays the bad guy. Also, Danny Aiello is cast in the film as Danny Aiello. Who knew he was still alive? Well, good for you, Aiello. Way to play the part. Of yourself.

Now I finally understand why everyone raved about this movie. It's really good. And yes, Portman is good too. I'm a little sad to report that Gary Oldman overacts his part by leaps and bounds. I love Gary Oldman, but he didn't do justice to the bad guy, turning him a little campy when a straighter approach would have made the tension much better.

I was also a little disturbed at how sexualized Natalie Portman was, but we're living in the "Dateline: To Catch a Predator" age and so maybe we're all just a little overwrought about these things. Still, wouldn't it have been fun to watch Chris Hansen stroll into the assassin's apartment and say, "I bet you weren't expecting to find me here, were you?"