Week 32: Spiderman 3

[The Motley Queue observes Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst at their first script reading of Spiderman 3]

Tobey: So, uh...

Kirsten: Wow, this is...

Tobey: Yeah.

Kirsten: I mean, is it just me or are there seven or eight villains in this script?

Tobey: And isn't one of them is Thomas Hayden Church? How are we supposed to pretend to be frightened of the goofy mechanic from Wings? And Eric from That '70s Show? That pipecleaner is playing a villain too? What's going on here? Was David Hyde Pierce busy?

Kirsten: I take it you haven't gotten to the strutting scene yet?

Tobey: The what?

Kirsten: The part where you strut down a public sidewalk.

Tobey: I WHAT?

Kirsten: And dance.

Tobey: Am I still playing Spiderman or did I accidentally join the cast of Rent?

Kirsten: [sighs] I wish.

Tobey: I mean, I recognize that I play a guy who got super powers from a spider bite, but I'm finding the rest of this script just a little hard to believe. What are the odds that some evil black space goop just happens to land on Spiderman of all people in the entire city? And Thomas Hayden Church is made out of sand? Sand for christsakes!

Kirsten: You think that's bad? I have to act completely bored and sullen through the whole godawful mess.

Tobey: Isn't that kind of your thing, anyway?

Kirsten: What? I wasn't paying attention.

Tobey: I've got to get out of this movie.

Kirsten: Do you think I should get bangs?

Tobey: I'm getting a new agent.

Week 1: Drop Dead Gorgeous

Okay, so we've seen this movie before but thought it would be fun to kick off our Motley Queue project with an old standby that we really love. We stumbled across this movie years ago but we loved it just as much upon re-watching it. I call this movie Heather's Light. It's got the same sadistic, subversive humor as Heather's but in a more shiny, candy-coated sort of way. Kirsten Dunst is the lead and she's kind of charming in her formerly fresh-faced way. Before she played a supermodel in Spiderman. A supermodel? Seriously? Isn't she about 5'6" with a snaggletooth? I found it easier to believe that a man could shoot spiderwebs out of his ass than I could believe Kirsten Dunst as a model. But I digress. Kirstie Alley is also in the movie as the pageant organizer, presumably because she spells her name in the same weird way as Kirsten, with the "i" before the "r". Don't get me started.

Anyway, this movie is a faux documentary about a small-town beauty pageant in which contestants are routinely being killed off in dramatic and hilarious ways. Anyone with half a brain can figure out who the killer is, but it's meeting the colorful townsfolk along the way that is the most fun. My favorite is the trailer park neighbor, Loretta, played by Allison Janney. She's razor sharp as a big-haired alcoholic who helps mother Kirsten Dunst after Kirsten's mom (Ellen Barkin) is injured in a trailer explosion and has a beer can permanently adhered to her right hand. (I swear some of my family members have been injured in just the same way).

Also great is one of the contest judge's, a nerdy little pervert who claims not to be a pervert but proceeds to chew lasciviously on his cigarette whenever a young girl passes him by. Hilarious.

And, sorry to the PC Police, but they use the word "retard" in this movie at least a dozen times to describe the - well - retard, played by Will Sasso. And I laughed every time I heard it. Retard. When used correctly and unexpectedly, it is one of the best words in comedy, and if that makes me a bad person then it must make you a retard.

If you have one of those lame Friday nights where all your friends are busy and you're kind of bored but not bored enough to watch Jennifer Boob Hewitt on The Ghost Whisperer, this is the movie to rent.