Wanted

Imagine a movie that's one part Karate Kid, one part The Matrix, and you have Wanted.

Wanted starts out with a black screen and small text giving us the back story. "1,000 years ago, a group of weavers formed a society of assassins..."

Hold the phone.
WEAVERS?

I kid you not. The fate of the world as we know it rests in the hands of sweater makers. How's that for gripping backstory? Weavers. Leather tanners I might believe, but weavers? Tee, hee. I still can't get over it. But wait, there's more...you see, a loom weaves out encrypted messages telling the weaver assassins who they must kill next. Go ahead, re-read that previous sentence. Take it all in. Death by textile. You might never look at your cotton t-shirts in the same way.

So it goes without saying that you need a fair suspension of disbelief to enjoy Wanted. And it's not an unenjoyable action film. It's a fairly non-stop assault of high testosterone action and violence, but there's nothing that will feel too new.

James McAvoy stars as the Karate Kid -- er -- Wesley Gibson, a miserable office drone who learns his father was the world's top assassin. He's drawn into the assassin's training ground in order to train to take down his father's killer.

His training involves a lot of bloody fighting montage scenes and a lot of slow-motion bullets whizzing Matrix-style around impossible angles. It also involves a lot of the surly assassin Fox, played by Angelina Jolie. I'd be pretty surly too if I hadn't eaten anything resembling food in the last six months. Seriously, did they have craft services on that set? Couldn't somebody at least maybe have spooned some broth into her mouth? She's still a knockout but girlfriend was looking pretty bony and haggard in this film.

If you're looking for pure action, you'll enjoy the movie, even if much of it so unrealistic and improbable, you'll find yourself giggling through it. James McAvoy was an interesting casting choice because he's completely against archetype for action hero. I think the boy can actually act, but he just didn't get much a chance to do it here. But hey, he does save humanity from a killer scarf maker, so no complaints.

Week 16: Flightplan

I have a little obsession with Peter Saarsgaaaaaard. I just like saying his name. Whenever we see him, Grant and I play a game of rhyming things to his name:

“I wonder if Peter Sarsgaard has an aaardvaark?”
“Peter Sarsgaard, could you meet me at the paaark?
“I’m going to play caaards with Peter Sarsgaard.”

I was standing at the checkout of my local library when I spotted the Flightplan DVD and noticed Sarsgaard was in it. Sure, it should have occurred to me that if I didn’t think the movie was worthy of renting, it’s probably not a good idea to bother with it from the library. But it was free and it had Sarsgaard and so I picked it up. Mistake #1.

I must confess that I have a serious jones for a good thriller. The only problem is that I can’t remember the last time I saw a good one. I have high hopes for every thriller I watch, but some part of me knows going in that I’m going to be disappointed.

Like in Flightplan, I vaguely recalled the plot involved Jodie Foster’s young child being stolen from her while on an airplane. And [SPOILER ALERT], I knew going in there was NO WAY there wouldn't be some heartfelt reunion of mother and daughter. But still, I held out hope it would deliver something more than the obvious hero resolution. Mistake #2.

The first hour of this movie is quite excellent. The hook is intriguing. The tension is fantastic. Was her daughter really on the plane? Or is she delusional? Was her daughter killed a week beforehand? Or is there really a terrorist on the plane? Flightplan, tell me more! You have me! I'm on the hook! Mistake #3.

I’m telling you, the minute the plot starts to resolve itself, the movie unravels like a cheap sweater. It has the most complex and ludicrous back story of any heist/kidnapping plot I’ve ever heard. What a huge disappointment. And what a waste of talent.

SPOILER ALERT: Peter Sarsgaard turns out to be one of the bad guys. Big surprise. With his shrewd eyes and his sneering manner of speaking, will he ever be cast as anything but the evil doer?

Still, wouldn’t it be great if someone cast him in a completely a-typical role? If I ever direct my own movie, it will star Peter Sarsgaard and here are the things I will instruct that surly little man to do:

“Peter Sarsgaard, I want to see you frolic! That’s right! Pick up those heels. That clover isn’t going to roll in itself, Sarsgaard.”

“Sarsgaard, on to the kittens. That’s right, pick up ten or twenty of them. Cuddle, Sarsgaard, cuddle! Put that one on your shoulder! Feed this one with a tiny bottle! I need more kittens!”

“Okay, Sarsgaard, into the bubble bath. Don't trip on all the scented candles. That’s it, Sarsgaard, pick up that glass of white wine. And read this copy of Bridget Jones’ Diary. Where is Sarsgaard’s scented oil? Can somebody find me some fucking bath beads? Is anybody working on this set but me?”

In short, I would be an awesome director. And I would win Peter Sarsgaard an Academy Awaaaaard.