Week 26: The Last King of Scotland

THE QUEUE IS A FLY ON THE WALL AS WILL SMITH TALKS TO HIS AGENT:

WILL SMITH: Sigh. Agent, we need to talk.

AGENT: Oh, I’m guessing you saw The Last King of Scotland.

WILL SMITH: Jiggy.

AGENT: Indeed. And you’re probably wondering why Forest Whitaker got the part instead of you?

WILL SMITH: After all, I am AMERICA’S FAVORITE NON-THREATENING
BLACK PERSON. Seriously, even white women like me.

AGENT: Not like that Kanye West fellow.

WILL SMITH: He terrifies white women.

AGENT: Me too.

WILL SMITH: Why didn’t I get this part? This should have been me! Where is my butler? Jazzy Jeff! Bring me some Perrier, a Cornish game hen, a pair of rhinestone-studded slippers and three African artifacts.

JAZZY JEFF: As you wish, sire.

WILL SMITH: Jazzy…

JAZZY JEFF: Sorry, sire. ‘As you wish, Fresh Prince.’

WILL SMITH: That’s better.

AGENT: Will, if you remember, you were offered the part for Last King of Scotland but you didn’t have time to do it.

WILL SMITH: I was? I didn’t?

AGENT: I believe you were busy talking to the news media about how happy you and your wife are and all the ‘relations’ you constantly have.

WILL SMITH: That does sound like me. Where is my little wife? Jada? Are you hiding under my armpit? Yep, there she is. Hi, honey. Ready to have relations?

AGENT: Should I leave?

WILL SMITH: No, no. You can stay. How am I going to recover from this film, Agent? I need a hit.

AGENT: Luckily, I just received a script for O Robot, the hilarious sequel to I Robot in which the robot becomes your klutzy roommate. Every time the robot breaks a lamp you say, “Oh, Robot.”

WILL SMITH: I can really picture that saying on the side of a Burger King bag.

AGENT: Me thinks you could perhaps pen a hit rap song of the same title?

WILL SMITH: Fresh! And I’ll sing it with Oprah when Jada and I visit her show. Right after we make love on her couch, we’ll sing it to the audience.

AGENT: …an audience of white women!

WILL SMITH: I can’t wait to not threaten them. Oh, darn, I stepped on Jada. You okay down there, honey? I swear, she’s like owning a Chihuahua. A Chihuahua that I make sweet, sweet love to on a daily basis.