Week 37: Elizabeth, The Golden Age

I’m perplexed. Didn’t I already see this movie? Except it was just called Elizabeth? Seriously, this film is a near-identical replica of the first movie, right down to the murderous priest, only this time without as much dark intrigue and drama. But Cate Blanchett is so damned magnetic and luminous, who cares? I would watch her snake a drain.

Elizabeth the Golden Age, which I prefer to think of as “Lizzie 2, Still Angry and Now Possibly a Lesbian,” is basically a wet dream for lovers of beautiful scenery and costuming.

If you loved the first movie, you’ll probably like the second one, but just barely. The ending is fairly cobbled together and the director didn’t seem too interested in actually making us believe the Spaniards were coming for Elizabeth. But still, it was pretty to watch.

The symbolism in Lizzie 2 is way over the top. Like at the end of the movie once Elizabeth has vanquished the Spanish navy, she’s suddenly bathed in golden light in every scene. Get it? The GOLDEN age? I’m pretty sure even Helen Keller would have seen that heavy-handed symbolism.

Now, onto the lesbionics. The first half of the movie was spent with Elizabeth purring and petting her closest court lady, Bess. LITERALLY PETTING HER. It was…uncomfortable. Kind of like discovering that your grandma was a slut back in the day. The second half of the movie, Elizabeth is hot and heavy for Sir Walter Raleigh, played by Clive Owen. Now I understand that Mr. Owen’s masculinity has the power to overcome even the most serious lesbian, but it was a rather abrupt shift in Lizzie’s affections. I am still trying to work it all out. Which one did she love? Was she a swinger? Bicoastal? I can’t tell. Maybe they’ll explain it all to me in the third installment, “Lizzie 3, Very Angry and Awfully Gay.”