Week 4: The Queen

I didn't stick around to watch the closing credits of The Queen, but if I had, I'm pretty sure the screenwriter would have been listed as none other than Mister Tony Blair himself. The man is portrayed as an utter sage and saint in this movie, much like I imagine the character of myself to be in my yet-to-be-written-or-filmed biopic entitled simply, "Breathtaking." Working title. I'm open to options.

We liked The Queen well enough and it did a good job of showcasing the everyday version of the queen. We found ourselves fascinated by how surprisingly droll and boring her life is, living under the microscope of tradition and stiff formality as she does. And we were both taken by the fact that she can do ordinary things like drive her own cars and take unescorted walks in the country. Not like our own presidents who presumably don't pee without a secret service agent tapping their weenies for them.

It was all really fascinating. But in the end it was just a backdrop to the movie's portrayal of the second coming of Christ, as played by Tony Blair.

It was downright bizarre. In the first-half of the movie, he plays the bellweather of the country's mood, correctly predicting the error of the Queen's ways in dealing with Princess Diana's death. In the second half, he lashes out at anyone who dares speak ill of the Queen's judgement, rising to her defense in spite of the fact that she was being a complete prat. All along the way, we're treated to flirtatious sparring between him and his razor-sharp wife, along with scenes of Tony as doting dad and beloved boss.

And in the end, surprise, surprise, it is Jesus Christ himself, Tony Blair, who breaks through the Queen's crustacean exterior to soften her up as his friend and confident as no man has before. I don't know why the director of this film felt is necessary to kiss so much Blair behind, but he does it with a marvelous pucker.

I'd give anything to be a fly on the wall of the Queen's bedroom as she and Prince Phillip watched this movie. I like to think they watched it while swilling a big pitcher of boilermakers and throwing dirty socks at the screen. Right before Phillip tossed up the covers and smothered the Queen with one of his patented dutch ovens, shouting, "Take that, guvnah!"