Monday, July 30, 2007

Week 7: Gia

We've all got those movies out there, haven't we? Those ones we've been meaning to rent for 10 or 12 years but never get around to it. Like, say, a certain movie that starred a mega-watt female celeb and received much hoopla and even a Golden Globe. And then one day that movie appears in your Netflix Recommendations and you think to yourself, why not? It has to be good, right? She won a freaking Golden Globe for it. Sure, you seem to remember it's about some trashy model but you're sure it's worthwhile. She won a Golden Globe for it, right? So why do I feel so dirty now, you ask yourself. Oh, just go ahead and add it to your queue. It'll be just fine, you tell yourself.

I'm back to feeling dirty. Big-juggly-Angelina-Jolie-naked-boobs-pressed-against-a-chainlink fence-dirty. And sadly, that is not a metaphor, but an actual scene from the movie.

This movie is bad. Oh, so bad. I would swear to you that the score for this movie was done by the same musical mastermind from such films as "Panties of the Caribbean" and "Forrest Hump." It definitely reeks of soft-core Cinemax late-night programming.

Even though I know Gia was a real model and this was her real life story, we couldn't help but feel like the script was taken directly from a submission to Penthouse Forum:

Dear Penthouse: I never thought it would happen to me. I got Angelina Jolie to star in a film where she had to take her clothes off and smash her boobs against a chainlink fence. And take her clothes off and suds up her lesbian lover in the shower. And take her clothes off and seduce a woman's ankle. And this is the best part, Penthouse. I made her wear this terrible wig the entire time and I gave her an atrocious script that included the line, "People shouldn't take other people's knives away from them!!!!!!"

Honestly, I haven't been so embarrassed to watch a movie since the time my dad unwittingly rented 9 1/2 weeks and all six of us watched it together as a family. And I was just ten years old and all I remember is praying to the sofa to please swallow me. Sadly, it didn't. And so I got to sit next to my brother and my stepmom while we watched Mickey Rourke drip honey all over Kim Basinger. What I wouldn't have given for someone to ram a rusty fork in my eyes.

If we can take no other lesson from watching Gia, it is that if you never rented that movie you were considering renting ten years ago, it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. And you should never, ever take other people's knives away from them.

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