Week 5: Bonus film: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

[Blogger note: I'm sorry, my dearest Netflix, but even your speedy disc delivery cannot make the new Harry Potter movie magically appear in my mailbox just days after it premieres in theaters. So, it is with heavy heart that I admit I cheated on you and went to the theater. But don't worry, love, I'm coming right back to your red-enveloped arms tonight.]

Is it wrong to admit that I have a crush on the dark lord? Is that bad? Because I'm sorry, even with pasty skin, a missing nose and the whole evil wizard business, I still feel a little steamy towards one mister Fiennes. And no, I'm not talking about you, Joseph, you runt of the Fiennes litter.

I think it must be his voice that makes me knees go all wobbly. Or the fact that he took the world's worst name, Ralph, and turned it into something dark and mysterious. Rafe. The pronunciation makes no sense at all, but I love it. And I'm even willing to look past the "alleged' in-flight dalliance he had with a stewardess on a recent Quantas flight. [Mental note: start flying Quantas].

But enough about my dark lord and onto a much less savory subject from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Ron Weasley. Be warned, audiences, Ron Weasley is the real monster in this film. Between Goblet of Fire and Order, our boy Weasley's most awkward moments in puberty unfold on screen before our eyes and THEY ARE NOT PRETTY. I was physically uncomfortable seeing his face forty-feet tall on the big screen. Hormones are not your friend, Ron-Ron. And if I know one thing for certain in this world, it's that prom night is going to be very unkind to Ron Weasley.

Harry Potter, on the other hand, aside from the fact that he appears to be approximately 42" tall, is turning out to be a handsome young lad. He actually managed to look tough in a few scenes, reaching up to scrap at the other actors' kneecaps as he was.

I could tell you how marvelous the rest of the Order cast is, particularly Immelda Staunton as Dolores Umbridge, but you've read all that before. [Although nobody quite prepared me for how hilarious her wardrobe would be or the whole business of her office being decked out in live kitties.]

The movie is very enjoyable, but neither of us liked it as well as the previous movie. Order of the Phoenix seemed like a duplicate effort of the dark style and grim mood set up by Alfonso Cuaron in Azkaban. It was nice enough, but by this point, we've seen all the visual tricks and we're really there for the story, which they cut a ton out of in this film. I came home from the theater and picked up the book to begin re-reading it, because I want to remember all the parts that were only hinted at in the film.

I would recommend you do the same, if for no other reason than the fact that you will not see Ron Weasley's forty-foot tall face inside the book. Only in your mind. Where it will HAUNT YOU.