Week 23: Naomi Watts Extravaganza Film Fiesta Part 2: Mulholland Drive

I’m just going to go ahead and say it. I figured out the plot to Mulholland Drive and therefore, I am prepared to graciously accept my Nobel Prize Award. I would prefer if you could have Al Gore deliver it to me. We will hang out all day and go to the Gap where we will probably run into Bono and he’ll nag us until we buy one of those crappy ‘RED’ t-shirts. We’ll do it just to appease him, but we’ll never wear them! Don’t tell. We’ll laugh about it when Al Gore and I are discussing who got kicked off Project Runway.

Also, we will keep bringing up how we are BOTH Nobel Award winners.

If you haven’t watched Mulholland Drive, you should. It’s not as freaky as most David Lynch movies. It actually has a plot…albeit the most complicated plot in the history of movies. But it's really good. AND I FIGURED IT OUT!!!! BOW IN THE SHADOW OF MY GREATNESS!!!

Ready to learn what most undoubtedly inferior non-Nobel brains couldn’t figure out? Here goes:

• The last 20 minutes or so of the movie is ‘real’. Betty wasn’t real. She is Diane’s alter-ego.
• Diane (Naomi Watts) really did have an affair with Camilla, then Camilla dumped her cruelly and broke her heart.
• Diane was so upset that she had Camilla murdered. However, in the three weeks that followed while she stayed locked in the apartment to avoid the FBI, she went batshit crazy and so she invented this whole Betty persona to deal with her guilt over killing the woman she loved.
• While in her crazy state, she imagined herself as Betty, the woman she always wished she could be. Popular, charming, sunny and the hero rescuing her beloved Camilla.
• I think the blue box represented the reality of what she’d done. When Rita and Betty found the key to the box, I took it as reality resurfacing in Diane’s troubled mind, forcing her to shoot herself.

There, done. Brilliant. Al Gore, I will await your arrival.

Oh, yes, I almost forgot about you, Naomi Watts. After all, this is your Extravaganza Film Fiesta. And you really earned the accolade in this role. Unlike The Painted Veil in which you were entirely forgettable, you shined in Mulholland Drive. The scene in which you play Betty auditioning for a role is truly transcendent. I literally found myself holding my breath. Well done, Watts.

Perhaps if you are not too busy, you can join me, Al Gore and Bono for lunch this Saturday. We’ll probably make Tipper cook for us and just to irk her, we’ll play an N.W.A. album while she refills our cocktails. Zing, Tipper!